It's 12:15 am and I cannot sleep, I have taken my sleeping pill and yet here I am. So much on my mind. So much has changed since June 2021, you see I have breast cancer, I'm only 51, my hair is starting to fall out, I'm having it cut tomorrow. My neighbor is going to do this for me. You see I have never liked myself with short hair NEVER! Tomorrow it will be short. I keep hoping that I will get to keep most of it, I cannot imagine myself with no hair. I know it's hair it will grow back, it seems so vain to worrying about my hair. I've always kept my hair long and by long I mean half way down my back long. It's kind of ironic how I would complain about my hair being so curly, unruly, frizzy. You know when the humidity is high and you step out side and its instant poof! Why is this such a big deal to me! I mean I'm having my 2nd round of the Red Devil Tuesday, this is potent stuff. And here I am after midnight worrying about how I'm going to look in short hair. This makes no sense to me. 

So many things going on, my mom is in the hospital recovering from surgery last night. She is in pain because a doctor didn't do his job right, no that might not be correct but it is what my mom believes. She too has breast cancer. I found that out before I found out about mine. Mine was by accident, just went to get my normal mammogram because it was time and I was laid off from work. Checking things off my to do list while I was off work. Now I'm off work for quite awhile, that's a whole other issue for me. I have never been off work because of an illness for this long. I work. I take care of others. I see a need and I do my best to fill it if I am able to. Asking people for help is so hard for me and yet here I am. I'm finding it hard to get energized about doing anything. My best friend's daughter,  my daughters best friend is getting married on November 6th and more than likely I will not be able to make it due to the treatments, not having the extra money for a trip. I don't know if I will even be able to see my family for Thanksgiving or Christmas. My family is everything to me. I mean I'm  blessed that most of them are here with me but I miss my parents, I miss my son. 

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